Restored is a virtual class based on best selling author Dr. Neil T. Anderson’s book by the same name. Over the course of eight weeks we will dive into all eight chapters of the book exploring ways in which we have given our freedoms away and how to recover them and live in what is ours through the work of Christ.

“If you’re called to be a teacher, bring it on!”

I still struggle with self condemnation thoughts. I still, in a very low and almost non-consistent way, think less of myself than I should. I wouldn’t call it low self-esteem.  It’s more like I need someone to constantly tell me good words, encouraging words, pat-on-the-backs, and ‘you’re doing a good job’. It’s a comfort thing. Nothing to do with my ego, I know for sure.

Yesterday during service my hubby had to step out and help someone with an emergency and the pastor was not there. That left me alone to take confidence in what I’m doing and trust Holy Spirit to use me as he pleased.

I get nervous. I’ve prayed, I know my Bible, I’ve prayed!

Why don’t I feel this overwhelming power to teach the Word like the anointed woman of God that I am?!?!

I know it’s not about feeling. I know He is who He is, and I am who I am regardless of what I’m feeling. It just doesn’t make sense sometimes when I’m not required to teach/preach I feel His Spirit and His Word comes to life so easily, yet when I’m pressured and feel I need to show who I am, I ‘feel’ like I need to excel.

This is raw. I’m just venting and in hopes of getting it out I will also let it go and let God work in me and through me.

The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of advice and power, the Spirit of knowledge and fear of the LORD. Isa 11:2

Holy Spirit dwell in me with all that you are, fill me and REST on me, I am yours!

Not me.

I’ve been trying to find ‘home’ for a long time. I grew up with my mom and almost no nearby relatives. It seems like we constantly moved from room to room in a busy NY neighborhood with many people around but no real relationships.

One of the reasons I first started going to church was for the ‘at-home’ feeling. I was looking for people who accepted me, loved me, took care of me, and protected me in a way that was NOT done at home. I gave my heart to God and began a long process in the restoration of my soul and heart.

I married and ministry became an important focus on our life (God has 1st place). Again, we’ve moved constantly (every 2-4 yrs) planting churches and following God. We, servants of the Lord, will never regret obeying His word but I do have observations of the road taken. Every time the Lord says, “Go, move”, I say, “Oh Lord, I was just getting the hang of this place, or, I really like these people, or, we were just getting established (financially).” All of that can be true but the underlying truth is that I was trying to find and keep home.

Counting Mexico, we have not had a place to call our own for 15 months. That’s a long time to sleep in a bed that’s not yours, to arrange your things again and again, to cook in a kitchen that’s not yours (the cooks/wives will get that), and to make new friends.

His presence makes all the difference.

During worship one day I felt Holy Spirit say to me in the most casual way. Yes, I said casual, nothing fancy or over the top supernatural. Just like if he was a friend sitting next to me making a wise suggestion. His words were, “In His presence you are at home”.

To me, these words, like the truth that they are, set me free! Every time I set at alter before him with my praise and worship, I’m AT home. How awesome God! I’m mobile! LOL. Having that said, I know this, my human self will always want to be comfortable. That’s when I will tell myself, “Child of God, humble before the Lord who takes care of you, you have all that you need in Him!”

And….that’s my victory!

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah. Psalms 32:7 ESV

I agree with her words and I also say “It’s worth it, every pain, every moment”, if it all meant I give Him all glory and honor!

I didn’t watch any news. If I wanted to know what was going on I would go online and get a glimpse of headlines. That was it. No opinions. No alterations.

I did not watch any commercials. No one was offering me a way out of debt or convincing me to buy the latest of whatever or something I didn’t need.

My finances were definite. We definitely had money for the next day, week, or month or we were definitely expecting a miracle from God.

My relationships were fed on life experiences. No virtual hugs or Facebook hearts and smiles (insert – I’m a FB junkie). The truth is there’s nothing like the real thing!

My meals were 98% fresh and nutritious versus the 10% here. Chickens were killed daily and the produce was 99% from local farmers.

How about my intimacy with God? I had it or I didn’t. Simple, I like simple.

I didn’t depend on any church service. I know many people were covering us in prayer and we also had people we counted for support but in the end it was me and God. No religious bickering. No fake charlatans.

So please this system we call the American life, don’t make me a victim of credit scores, canned foods, and concaved minds.

I’m grateful to enjoy many aspects of this life; I just think the price tag is unnecessary.

I also consider the ‘but’s’ in my situation. I married young, so I’m not dealing with relationships like others at my age. I don’t have kids. I have moved many, many times and just when I start gaining trust in and with someone I leave. I struggle with feelings of security. In my comfort zone I would never relocate and all my loved ones are near. God has really taken the task to always have me out of my comfort zone. I’m glad he does. He is the only one who can and still comforts me in His peace.

Friendships are hard for me. I don’t want to dwell on my childhood drama but I know that’s a small part of my issue today. I didn’t have many girlfriends growing up. I considered myself “not pretty” yet I embraced the attention I received from boys. Even in the youth group at church I had bitter encounters with other girls. I married and entered ministry, where friendships are almost non-existent.

Eventually, I gained the friendships of a few ladies who God put in my path. G, E, S, L, M, L, are some of the few ladies whom I feel free to be me and loved regardless. Sadly, all are miles away living their own lives. Many times I’ve wanted to call and just ‘be’ but my analytical mind doesn’t let me. I say to myself, “They have important things to do” or “She will tell me she is busy and can’t meet like last time”. The feelings of loneliness and inadequacy seem to always give a hint. When it’s really bad the other thoughts come, “Maybe if you just had a child, you would have something in common like so many women”.

Wow.

Just typing this out and letting it come to the light is freeing – why? Because that thought is a LIE. God is the creator of life and I don’t need anything or anyone to feel accepted because God accepts me as his child. That’s truth!

I have friends. So, what’s my issue?

I would like to have friends whom I share important events, feel comfort around them; enjoy times of laughter and deep moments. I want my friends to be close, I don’t want to plan trips and spend sometimes hundreds of dollars to see them. I want to settle. Grow roots.

At the end of day, I have the 2 most important friendships a girl could have. God. My hubby. I believe it’s very important for a girl to have friendships that encourage her, discipline her with maturity, and most importantly love her. I will choose to trust God. Maybe it’s not my season to have such friendships, I mean really have them. Maybe I have enough to deal with in strengthening my marriage and completely be healed and restored. God knows best. Always. Even when I don’t understand it and wish it was different. I know in the past he bought certain people in my life who became lifesavers. He is the gate of my relationships, to doubt the friendships I have is to doubt Him in a way.

Jesus, I thank you for loving me and accepting me for all that I am. You never rejected me and you always have the best for me. Help me remember everything you’ve done for me. You are faithful and I believe you and the Words of promise you have set for me. Amen.

By inviting ordinary worshipers to post reviews from the pews, the website aims to help Christians navigate the more than 330,000 churches across the U.S. to find where they fit on Sunday morning.

This is a quote from an article about a new website called “ChurchRate.com” where people can view reviews on churches to help them decide what church to attend.

Are you kidding?

I’m a huge fan of the internet for shopping, comparing products, and researching services but this is NOT COOL! Who’s fault is that the people in America view the church just as a “Sunday morning chill spot?”

I’ve met many people who I’ve asked your typical “where do you go to church” and the response is “oh we’re just church shopping for now” Huh? No, not acceptable. Not even the term is to my liking. I know people relocate and need to find a place where to worship, but the Bible gives us direction on this.

Acts 13:52 says “The believers in Antioch were full of joy and the Holy Spirit.” In Acts 16:6 we see the Spirit guiding believers to where they should or should not go “They traveled through the region of Phrygia and Galatia because the Holy Spirit did not let them preach the message in the province of Asia.”

If we are considered to be a believer and a follower of Jesus Christ then we must also believe that the Holy Spirit (that He left as our Helper) will fill us with peace and joy and direct us to where we should be in everything we do, including the congregation where we worship and serve. Church is not for shopping – that’s my opinion.

Wait on God. Pray. It’s worth to it ask and wait. I’ve also met many, many people who have literally been lead to the place where they need to be. That’s either a place where they can serve or be restored and healed. God knows best, not a website. Besides, even the internet is NOT as accessible as God is. Thank you Jesus!

We’re officially back in the U.S. Ta-da! The last 2 weeks have been sad for me. I think about Mexico all the time. I dream about being there. I dream about my family in El Salvador. I dream of the travel disasters I’ve had. I dream. I think. I think too much.

I need a job. We don’t have much money and the little money that we have is to buy groceries, gas, and such for the next couple of weeks. So I need a job soon, before that money runs out. My hubby sort of has a job. He is working with a friend fixing cars. Its some cash but we don’t know how long that will last.

I go online whenever I can and I search for jobs and post my resume. I eat and cook for hubby. And repeat the next day. I don’t want to leave the house because that means spending money. I learned in Mexico to live frugally everyday, that means if you have money to run the car and pay for gas you can afford to leave unless it’s absolutely necessary. However, being at home can be so depressing. The difference in Mexico was that I could walk to the store or a friend’s house. Everything here is miles away. I’m not depressed. I will not speak or think that I am depressed. Maybe I’m bored. Maybe I’m not focused. But I know this is not me. I’m outgoing, I’m motivated, I’m a go-getter. I like adventure and enjoy it when I’m so busy that I desperately look for free alone time to spend writing, reading, or praying. That is who I am. Not this.

It seems like the missionary who hiked the mountains, the friend next door who counseled broken women, the wife who bargained at the marketplace, and the daughter of God who anticipated the alone time is so, so, so far away.

I wait patiently on you Lord. You make my sad days bright. Your love comforts me and strengthen my soul. I am yours here, in Mexico, or wherever you take us. Guide me Lord. Open doors and bring the right opportunities. Help us make a new life here. You are faithful. Amen.