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Some days it feels like I’m lost

Friday, July 23, 2010

In the past 2 weeks I was asked to do a Bible study. We’re still getting to know people in church and since we’ve moved it’s really only been a week that we’ve been active in church. So, in some way this feels like I’m being tested if I really bring the goods. I know half of what crosses my mind is purely my own harsh judgment and self expectations.

“If you’re called to be a teacher, bring it on!”

I still struggle with self condemnation thoughts. I still, in a very low and almost non-consistent way, think less of myself than I should. I wouldn’t call it low self-esteem.  It’s more like I need someone to constantly tell me good words, encouraging words, pat-on-the-backs, and ‘you’re doing a good job’. It’s a comfort thing. Nothing to do with my ego, I know for sure.

Yesterday during service my hubby had to step out and help someone with an emergency and the pastor was not there. That left me alone to take confidence in what I’m doing and trust Holy Spirit to use me as he pleased.

I get nervous. I’ve prayed, I know my Bible, I’ve prayed!

Why don’t I feel this overwhelming power to teach the Word like the anointed woman of God that I am?!?!

I know it’s not about feeling. I know He is who He is, and I am who I am regardless of what I’m feeling. It just doesn’t make sense sometimes when I’m not required to teach/preach I feel His Spirit and His Word comes to life so easily, yet when I’m pressured and feel I need to show who I am, I ‘feel’ like I need to excel.

This is raw. I’m just venting and in hopes of getting it out I will also let it go and let God work in me and through me.

The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of advice and power, the Spirit of knowledge and fear of the LORD. Isa 11:2

Holy Spirit dwell in me with all that you are, fill me and REST on me, I am yours!

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Friday, July 23, 2010 11:45 AM

    I understand how you feel. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just act in faith. If you want to preach the word, first make sure you have it in your heart. Sometimes we just aren’t ready for the next step yet.

    Good luck.

  2. Kass permalink
    Friday, July 23, 2010 11:50 AM

    This world is not our home. Remember, we are sojourners.

    ❤ and prayers to you.

  3. Kass permalink
    Friday, July 23, 2010 11:51 AM

    Whoops. That comments was supposed to go on the other blog post (

    For this one, I wanted to say just trust in the Holy Spirit to lead you. You can only do things on Christ’s strength and not on your own.

    Amen! Also I felt like He was teaching me to seek Him for who He is rather than what he gives. Still learning girl!

  4. Friday, July 23, 2010 11:52 AM

    Hi nmontague,

    Thanks for stopping by and leaving such encouraging words! “just act in faith” Love that!

    Blessings to you!!

  5. Friday, July 23, 2010 11:54 AM

    Amen. I think God wanted for me to feel out of place so I could find my way to Him!!

    Blessings friend!

  6. Friday, July 23, 2010 6:57 PM

    I can so relate to this. Sometimes the words flow and sometimes they don’t and I just don’t understand why. I take comfort that God understands and as long as I am following His lead everything will work out for His best!

  7. Tuesday, July 27, 2010 12:13 PM

    Exactly! We really don’t need to know everything but we need to trust Him in everything we do. Praise God!

  8. Thursday, September 2, 2010 8:27 AM

    Honey, this is pretty much what I’ve been alluding to when I heard you were coming back. Please wake up to the fact that the problem is not at all you, nor your hubby, it’s environmental. You have been made holy, pure. blameless, raised up in life, seated, everything… the problem is the environment, not you.

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