Who are you?

Jan 21st 2017. I know this blog post will be time stamped but there is something about marking a date or acknowledging time. It has been soooo long, I know God lead me back to this place. I spent a week home having a staycation from work/husband/people in general. I tried searching for this blog and at my best I could not find it. “Randomly” looking at my tab’s I saw the blog for my good friend Mark, who is know with the Lord. Sure enough it lead me here and thankfully I was able to recover my password.

There is a reason I wanted to forget and ignore this blog. The things mentioned here are deep, personal, emotional, and most of all raw.

I know there are no coincidences for me to be here in this time, for me to start journaling again (failed a few times), or for me to heal the best way I know how…opening my heart and letting God reveal what’s inside.

Some days it feels like I’m lost

In the past 2 weeks I was asked to do a Bible study. We’re still getting to know people in church and since we’ve moved it’s really only been a week that we’ve been active in church. So, in some way this feels like I’m being tested if I really bring the goods. I know half of what crosses my mind is purely my own harsh judgment and self expectations.

“If you’re called to be a teacher, bring it on!”

I still struggle with self condemnation thoughts. I still, in a very low and almost non-consistent way, think less of myself than I should. I wouldn’t call it low self-esteem.  It’s more like I need someone to constantly tell me good words, encouraging words, pat-on-the-backs, and ‘you’re doing a good job’. It’s a comfort thing. Nothing to do with my ego, I know for sure.

Yesterday during service my hubby had to step out and help someone with an emergency and the pastor was not there. That left me alone to take confidence in what I’m doing and trust Holy Spirit to use me as he pleased.

I get nervous. I’ve prayed, I know my Bible, I’ve prayed!

Why don’t I feel this overwhelming power to teach the Word like the anointed woman of God that I am?!?!

I know it’s not about feeling. I know He is who He is, and I am who I am regardless of what I’m feeling. It just doesn’t make sense sometimes when I’m not required to teach/preach I feel His Spirit and His Word comes to life so easily, yet when I’m pressured and feel I need to show who I am, I ‘feel’ like I need to excel.

This is raw. I’m just venting and in hopes of getting it out I will also let it go and let God work in me and through me.

The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of advice and power, the Spirit of knowledge and fear of the LORD. Isa 11:2

Holy Spirit dwell in me with all that you are, fill me and REST on me, I am yours!

Home is Where the Heart is

Maybe it’s a cliché to you, maybe you’ve heard it a thousand times and the meaning lost its impression, maybe you don’t know what it means to feel out of place (never home).

Not me.

I’ve been trying to find ‘home’ for a long time. I grew up with my mom and almost no nearby relatives. It seems like we constantly moved from room to room in a busy NY neighborhood with many people around but no real relationships.

One of the reasons I first started going to church was for the ‘at-home’ feeling. I was looking for people who accepted me, loved me, took care of me, and protected me in a way that was NOT done at home. I gave my heart to God and began a long process in the restoration of my soul and heart.

I married and ministry became an important focus on our life (God has 1st place). Again, we’ve moved constantly (every 2-4 yrs) planting churches and following God. We, servants of the Lord, will never regret obeying His word but I do have observations of the road taken. Every time the Lord says, “Go, move”, I say, “Oh Lord, I was just getting the hang of this place, or, I really like these people, or, we were just getting established (financially).” All of that can be true but the underlying truth is that I was trying to find and keep home.

Counting Mexico, we have not had a place to call our own for 15 months. That’s a long time to sleep in a bed that’s not yours, to arrange your things again and again, to cook in a kitchen that’s not yours (the cooks/wives will get that), and to make new friends.

His presence makes all the difference.

During worship one day I felt Holy Spirit say to me in the most casual way. Yes, I said casual, nothing fancy or over the top supernatural. Just like if he was a friend sitting next to me making a wise suggestion. His words were, “In His presence you are at home”.

To me, these words, like the truth that they are, set me free! Every time I set at alter before him with my praise and worship, I’m AT home. How awesome God! I’m mobile! LOL. Having that said, I know this, my human self will always want to be comfortable. That’s when I will tell myself, “Child of God, humble before the Lord who takes care of you, you have all that you need in Him!”

And….that’s my victory!

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah. Psalms 32:7 ESV

Passion 4 Christ is Right!

This video is absolutely AMAZING!

I agree with her words and I also say “It’s worth it, every pain, every moment”, if it all meant I give Him all glory and honor!